SOME OF THE LAST WORDS I REMEMBER MY FATHER SAYING
TO ME WERE;
“You’re the man of the house now.”
I WAS 10 YEARS OLD!
I knew my father was ill but I truly believed he would recover.
And then early one morning, shortly after Thanksgiving, my mother woke my brother and I to tell us our father was dying. I stood and watched as people went in and out of his hospital room. For the first time ever, I saw my uncle cry. My mother told me my father had passed away and when I walked into the room and saw my father laying motionless on the bed, I froze and my mind and body started to shut down.
As I listened to the Rabbi uttering a prayer over my father’s lifeless body, I was in so much shock that I could barely even comprehend what was going on…
It took me a very long time to get to the realization that he literally left without saying goodbye to me. Why on earth would he do such a thing?
MY FATHER HAD BEEN MY PROTECTOR
My parents had difficulties having children. I was the first to survive. Given just a ten to twenty percent chance of survival after arriving two and half months early, my father became very protective of me. I remember deeply favoring him while I was growing up as I felt close to him and his love for me.
But all was not well in my parents’ marriage. They fought a lot and communication between them was poor. In many ways, their inability to communicate with each other left me feeling like they were unavailable to me too.
I grew up in a diverse neighborhood. I stood out from the crowd. I grew up with an ethnicity and religion that was quite different than others around me. I was bullied and dismissed for being too sensitive. Although I believe my teachers thought they were helping me, on many occasions, they simply encouraged me to ‘toughen up’ because they also thought and said to me that I was too sensitive. Many of family and friends said the same thing as well.
So feeling unsupported, I learned to protect myself by shutting down, just as I’d seen my father and other immediate family members do.
And after he died, I inadvertently took on the role of protector for other people too. I did everything in my power to ensure the people around me felt supported and cared for…
Even at the expense of my own happiness!
MY DRIVE FOR LOVE, ATTENTION AND VALIDATION DROVE ME
TO A DARKER PLACE
For years, I did as much as I could
to be a great son …
To be the caring, supportive and loving boyfriend. The most amazing assistant to the local Rabbi who I worked for as I was finishing up my last year of my design degree and in my first part of my post-education career. I was completely lost, while participating in a world of meeting other people’s needs while neglecting my own or having any knowledge of how to meet them in a healthy way.
My feelings of anxiety, depression and abandonment were unbearable. And I could not stand to be alone.
During parts of my teenage years and my early twenties, that desire to belong was getting stronger and stronger. I started hanging out with a crowd that I felt accepted by. This crowd smoked pot and drank alcohol and I felt that I finally found my place!
I didn’t understand it at the time but I was trying to escape painful emotions that threatened to overwhelm me. Instead, I attracted experiences that only reinforced my feelings of abandonment and aloneness.
After one particularly difficult breakup in my early thirties, I found myself very far away from where I wanted to be in many areas of my life (geographically, professionally, emotionally, etc). From that point on, I knew I couldn’t go on the way I was living my life. I felt trapped in a life that was undesirable and it was time to make a significant change.
MUSIC BECAME MY SOLACE
I started making music and handing CD’s out to people I knew
On my sixteenth birthday, a few friends started teaching me a few chords on a left-handed guitar that was originally my fathers (my friends restrung it from a right-handed guitar to a lefty so I could play it). Eventually I started playing by ear. I then started write, sing and perform my own original songs. I was writing my own original songs and performing in front of friends. This evolved even more so into my early twenties, I started to ‘produce’ music on a computer and compose compositions in various genres.
I never took any formal musical training or lessons, yet I was able to produce music that resonated deeply with people. It was as if I was being guided in some way… I had this type of ‘music knowledge’ inside of me…
When I was playing and producing music, the ‘experience’ helped me work with painful emotions and experience from my past. In my late twenties and early thirties, I started to heal with guidance from two gifted healers / mentors. As I immersed myself in my own healing journey and studied personal development, I created a healing system of my own.
LifeRhythms is the result of that inspiration.
MY EXPERIENCES TAUGHT ME SO MUCH
“The wonder of life is that the thing that appears to be the biggest obstacle, is the exact same thing that unlocks the wonder of life”
I had been teased for being different and yet it’s my differences that have allowed me to explore my unique musical talents.
I had been bullied for my sensitivity and yet it’s my sensitivity that allows me to connect with others.
I had felt abandoned and yet, as I (unknowingly) threw myself with abandon into music and healing, I found myself again.
And as I embraced the uniqueness of me, my life unfolded with all the magesty of a peacock’s tail.
CURRENT EVENTS HAVE SHINED A LIGHT
into the darkest places within us
We have felt challenged in ways that we couldn’t have imagined, just a few short months ago. We have felt paralyzed by uncertainty. We have been triggered by emotions we didn’t know we had.
And so we have a unique opportunity to leave behind the shadows that have kept us small and to step into the wonder of life. We can make the choice to allow the world outside of us to unfold the world within us.
You can make the choice to heal.
And I’m here to help you every step of the way.